i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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