apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Randomize
