dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
