I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
