So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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