is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
