it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize