i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize