Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
