We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
