Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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