I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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