Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
