The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
