is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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