You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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