someone owes me an orgasm
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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