in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
