i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
