So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
