I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
