I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
