I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
