There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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