What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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