so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
