if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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