I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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