no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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