How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
