I faked an abortion last night.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
