his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
