just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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