John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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