Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
