Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
