I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
