Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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