Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
