there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
ttyl tear gas
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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