I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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