Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The beer is more important than you right now.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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