I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
