So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize