dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
