so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
