I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize