she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
