i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
