Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
