I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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