Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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