If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
