i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
