So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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