Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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