so that wasnt chicken after all
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
