I have demons in me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
