Please don't use social media to get back at me.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
