We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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