I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
