I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
