I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
A bitchslap is in order.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
