took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
